Today was not a good day for fitness. As per a recent post stated, I feel like anxiety in other parts of my life and the sense of 1) not having control over anything else and 2) not being “successful” anywhere else makes me go bonkers over my workouts.
This is no bueno.
For a few months now, I’ve been seeking success and happiness solely through pushing myself at the gym and on the pavement, seeing how much stronger and faster I can get. And I did get stronger, maybe not faster, but I can run longer than I used to be able to. This behavior turned from “yay healthy” to “boo obsessive” real fast. On days like today, when I’m sore from a tough weights session yesterday, and have take only one active rest day (if power yoga counts as rest), I felt like doing nothing. Nada. Complete rest day.
But my mind could not let that happen. I hemmed and hawed and debated endlessly with myself, saying shit like “well it’s a nice day out YOU SHOULD GO RUN”, despite willing myself to run less this week to prevent injury. I settled on going to the gym and doing intervals on the stairclimber, but the thought of that much lower body work on my poor sore legs was torture. I even dragged my darling boyfriend into it, texting him incessantly with panicked “WHAT SHOULD I DO” and “OMG I’M EATING TOO MUCH”. This is not healthy.
I finally after probably a whole morning doing this, decided to do yoga to try to relax and still get a little sweat on. Picked a video with a guy I’d never followed before and hated it. My shoulder felt strained after one vinyasa and I was not on the same wavelength as the instructor. So I stopped. Surprisingly I did not panic, and I did not freak out.
I just want some aspect of my life to go the way I want it to. Being jobless and searching on a daily basis is hard – the treacherous waiting period of hearing back from people who shockingly do not have YOU as their first priority is heart attack inducing. Sitting at home most days in workout clothes (at best) or PJs (usually) with no makeup on and unkempt watching beautiful people on TV destroys self esteems. Working out makes me feel strong and beautiful. But I cannot rely on it as my sole source of happiness or validation.
The boy told me not to overdo it. I’m good at overdoing it. I’m good at pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion or too much pain and then giving up. I need to find inner confidence and not attach my self worth to something tenuous.
I am strong, I am beautiful, and capable, and smart, and fuck you if you don’t think so. Perhaps a bit aggressive. Tone it down.
So here’s to better tomorrows and happier futures. And hopefully love and healing will come.